A smile filled my face as I stood on the back deck, watching my breath swirl through the cold air. Though I couldn't quite put my finger on it, something just felt right about the morning. Life felt prospective, exciting- hopeful, life felt hopeful.
It's been a while since I graced the internet with my tempest of musings, and today felt like just the right day to bring myself back to this place.
To say that my moods have been intense as of late would be a tad of an understatement. I feel like I've been running on a treadmill- stuck in place as I try desperately to escape the the emotional scarring left by the events of a few months ago. My coping mechanisms have shifted, but in the end I realize that I just haven't found a healthy way to deal- at least not that I've managed to stick to.
Today, I've decided that I want to change that. Today, I feel motivated, excited, and positive, and I want to take that positive energy and create a plan for something good.
Five months ago today, I got on a plane and made a transition that would change my life immensely; and though I don't regret that decision for a moment, my life has been a roller coaster of its own kind since that day. Changes have always been difficult for me, and such a massive change as moving across the country to a state where I knew only one person was bound to have some whiplash effects. It's taken me time to adjust in so many ways, and not all of them have been easy.
Today, though, I finally feel settled in and confident in myself. It's just coming up on December, and it's about this time every year that I start getting antsy and hitting planning mode- spewing ideas of what I want to change and do in the new year. Last year I actually had a pretty solid plan...but then I moved- twice- and slowly my plans melted away into the aether of yesterday.
This year, I don't want anything to get in my way. I want to start doing the things I've been wanting to do that I just haven't- things I've come up with excuses for. I've always been an all or nothing person: it's so difficult for me to push through and keep going when I feel like I've already failed; but this time, I want it to be different.
Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in confusion and stress- sometimes it feels like it's all too much. But someone gave me some advice recently that made me realize something important: sometimes it's we ourselves who are weighing our own wings down, and when we finally let go, that's when we can learn to fly...and that's exactly what I intend to do.
"Maybe tonight we'll start all over, like it's the first day of our lives...." And maybe tonight, I'll finally get it right.
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